Satire: I'm Too Sexy For My Work

“Nothing is provocative anymore even for kids. No room for imagining, ‘cuz everyone’s seen everything.”
- Marina & The Diamonds 

Let's face it. We are in one of the sexiest fields in the working world. From the ever-sensuous shampoo experience to the lingering scalp massages and ample touching. (Just a quick reminder: We are only allowed to touch the shoulders and nothing below…by law…look it up, sluts). This is probably why we now have no sense of personal space. We feel free to run our hands through anybody's hair, any time, any place. Don't lie to yourself, you've even caught yourself tugging a little too hard on Mr. Sexy Man’s beautiful locks. Who hasn't had the urge to straddle that silver fox over the shampoo chair? It’s like the bottle says “ride, rinse and repeat.” Oh, it doesn’t say that? Never mind that, then. I blame religion for its iron-clad chokehold on women’s sexual freedom, destroying sexual exploration and providing shame in its place. 

“If women were religiously, recognized sexually, we wouldn't have to feel the need to show our ass-ets to feel free.” 
- Marina & The Diamonds

Even the terminology of our field alone is sexy; ‘blow-dry,' ‘hand treatment,' ‘re-touch,' ‘saturation,' ‘moist,’ and all of the other words for ‘wet.' I think you get it. Some of us have even thought that wearing ‘sexy,' yet crippling, shoes and low-cut shirts, short skirts, tight pants, or fishnet stockings would eventually help us build our books, or at least get that silver fox to ask for our phone numbers so he could give you that pearl necklace that you've been aching for. Sure, maybe it worked. Maybe you got that necklace, or a raise to the next chair, but you missed out on a personal connection with another human, a respectable clientele, and you absolutely lost more self respect than you could ever buy back. You can only shower off so much shame. There are only so many creams and antibiotics to remedy local infections until the health department makes a special visit, but there is no better remedy for the systemic infection of the soul than prevention. Self respect, pride, and talent are much more valuable to your emotional (and financial) future. Take pride in yourself and your work. Respect for others means covering it up, your boobs…seriously, cover them up! Let's clean up the sex pollution in the industry. It is proven that people are attracted to confidence. Let's bring some mystery back to our physicality and unveil that raw, naked, and insatiable talent. Don't get me wrong; sex is amazing. Just don't get it in your hair.